Meant to be

My therapist who was a very spiritual person – a minister in fact, before he became a therapist, always told me that I was on a journey to becoming the person God intended me to be in the first place.

Is Something Missing in Your Life?

I believe that deep inside of all of us there is a person we were meant to be.  Some would say it is a calling, some would call it a purpose. Often, we struggle to figure out what that calling, or purpose is. 

Have you ever wondered what you were meant to be, or felt that you had something deep inside you – some untapped talent or ability – that you were meant for more than what you are doing with your life right now?

Do you feel restless and discontent regardless of your circumstances? Or feel like you are constantly looking for something that is missing in life?

If you feel unsettled, it may be because you know you were meant for more. Who are you meant to be?

I am reminded of a quote by Mark Twain who wrote: “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you figure out why.”

This quote speaks volumes about the importance of the day you find your why.  Assuming the day you were born is the most important day, because without that day there are no others, the day you find your why, according to Twain, is the second most important day of your life.

What is it You Live For?

Many, and by that, I mean most, of my clients come to a point in their work with me when they start to ask the age-old question: “why am I here?” or in another form: “what is the meaning of life?”

When I hear those questions, I understand that my client is not really searching for the answer to those specific existential questions.  They are looking for something that gives them meaning and purpose, that excites them about their life and moves them from feeling humdrum and bored to energized and excited.

Realizing this, I set out to do a little research. I phoned 100 people I know, half of them were clients and half friends or acquaintances. These people ranged in age from 35 to 65 and it was split about equally between women and men.

I asked them to participate in a short survey with me and I asked each one a simple question: “What is it you live for?”

I was met with lots of different answers. Some people said things like “I thought you said it was an easy survey” when I had actually said it was a short survey. Some asked to get back to me when they figured out the answer, and some were very direct and said they didn’t like being put on the spot like that. One even swore at me.

Some of them who were still raising children, quite naturally said their kids. When I asked them to think beyond their children and maybe to a time when the children were grown and gone, they most often couldn’t say.

What I found, when children were taken out of the equation, was that only 17 out of the 100 people knew what they lived for.

I dug deeper and found that my test group wasn’t that far from what has been confirmed by approaches that were more scientific than mine.

Studies have shown that only about 25% of the adult population feel like they know their purpose or what it is they live for.

Imagine yourself in a room of 100 people. Seventy-five of them – three quarters, are just showing up and going through the motions without a sense of meaning or purpose.

I’m not saying that they aren’t enjoying certain aspects of their lives but if you think about it, not knowing or sensing a higher calling and meaning to life can make it hard to get up, dress up and show up day after day.  And it can wear a person down after months or years of the same thing.

Can you answer the question: “What is it you live for?”

When I conducted my 100-person survey, I was surprised at the discomfort levels people had and, in some cases, people were embarrassed that they could not answer.

Being a student of human nature, when out socially and meeting new people, I like to ask that question. Not to embarrass people but to get them thinking.

Usually when you are out socially and are introduced to somebody, one of the first three questions they will ask of you is “What do you do for a living?”

That question comes up for three reasons.  First, because it is typically safe.  Second, because it gets the other person talking about themselves so the person asking the question deflects and buys time before they have to engage in the second part of the social contract of small talk. Third, is because it allows the asker, to label the other person.

We Love Labels

We love labels. They help us make sense of things and organize them in our brains. For example: if someone replies, “I’m a doctor”, we imagine income levels, education, maybe even what kind of house they can afford and where they fit socially in this situation, in relation to our own socio-economic stature. We can then decide, not only how to respond, but also if we feel comfortable taking the conversation beyond social niceties.

At times in those situations, when it is my turn to follow social norms, I will detour and substitute “What do you do for a living?” with “What is it you live for?”

Most people are so pre-programmed that in about 70% of the cases they will tell me what they do for a living.  I will listen politely and then gently tell them that I think they misunderstood my question. And then I repeat it.  The reactions usually go one of two ways. Them might say: What a fascinating question and then we get into a way deeper conversation about meaningful things, instead of bobbing along the surface talking about the weather and whatever was in the news that day.

The other reaction is to look awkwardly away, stare at their feet or drink and look for an escape route. Likely thinking who is this guy that doesn’t understand the social norms and protocols of small talk. These people look for a familiar face in the room and quickly excuse themselves.

Self-Actualization – Reaching Your Potential

Curious about the topic of people not knowing their purpose or who they were meant to be, I continued my research. I found a study of people who were in hospice or end of life care. In this study people were asked what their biggest regret was. The most frequent response was that they had lived their life to please other people rather than being true to themselves. They had not lived their own authentic lives.

I found this sad because those people who said that, at some point in their lives had a sense of having some purpose or calling, even if it was only to be on the journey of self-actualization.

Self-actualization is the fulfillment one one’s talents and potentialities. This is a drive or need that is present in everyone.

Lots of people want to leave their mark, a legacy, or to feel the world is a little better or different as a result of them being in it.

For some people the desire is smaller than that, and that’s OK. It might just be to have lived a full, abundant life and to have made a small difference in their own corner of the world.

I love this quote by Diane Ackerman who wrote: “I don’t want to get to the end of my life having just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”

It speaks to the deep human need to fulfill our talents and live to our potential.

Given that we all have this innate need to live to our potential, why is it that 75% of people don’t know what it is they live for and most people on their deathbeds regret not living their lives being true to themselves?

Curve Balls?

The reasons can be many and varied. Some of the ones I hear most frequently are: “Life has a way of throwing you curve balls.” I have always wondered a bit about that expression. I used to coach ball and watch it from time to time and I see lots of batters hit curve balls. Another one is: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”

These expressions and others like them make it sound like it is out of a person’s control.  I get that life presents lots of challenges. But people can adapt. In fact, the ability to adapt is one of the biggest things that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

Think of these people who knew they were meant to be something more, and who didn’t let curve balls and adversity stand in the way of them reaching for their full potential.

Orville and Wilbur Wright, believed mankind, like birds, could fly. Building off the backs of other people who had tried and failed, they crashed their prototype planes twice before achieving sustainable flight. Talk about painful curve balls.

Walt Disney knew he was meant to build an amusement park for family entertainment but was reportedly turned down for financing over 300 times before somebody took a chance and backed him. Even if that number has been grossly overstated and was only 30 times – only – how is that for an example of knowing your calling and never giving up.

Abraham Lincoln ran for public office and was defeated eight times before being elected President of the United States.

These people and more that I write about in my book, Talk To Yourself Like Someone You Are Trying To Help, which you can order off our website eighteeninches.ca, have one thing in common. These people overcame obstacle after obstacle, listened to that innate need that exists in each of us, to reach their full potential, and they didn’t let adversity become their inner critic saying: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”

Settling and Lotteries

Often, we settle into comfort zones, and we settle for our circumstances. And we begin to tell ourselves that life isn’t so bad, the job pays the bills and things could be a lot worse. All of which may be true but all the while dreaming of quitting our job, starting our own business, living on an island, or winning the lottery so we can live our daydream.

People in North America who are dreaming of a better life, spent ninety-nine billion dollars on lottery tickets in 2021.

That is a lot of people hoping for and dreaming of something better than their current circumstances.

Often, people convince themselves they have no choice but there are always choices. After people telling me they can’t make changes, sometimes circumstances force these same people to make the changes they didn’t think possible.

I had a client who hated his job of 15 years but felt trapped. Trapped in mortgage and car payments, and obligations to his family to provide the lifestyle they had. He wanted desperately to reduce his debt so he could go back to school and retrain for a career path he always regretted not taking. Then one day his company was sold, and he was let go. Circumstances changed.

They had a family meeting, sold the house and one of their cars, tightened their belts and he went back to school. He is now happily practicing law.

They adapted to their circumstances so they could overcome the obstacles they perceived, and he is now living the life he was meant to be.

In 2004 after a business failure and divorce I first admitted I was an alcoholic, got clean and sober, went back to school and now do what I believe I was always meant to be doing – helping other people turn their lives around.  My circumstances changed, I looked deep inside myself and found my why.

No Lines, No Boxes

We often hear the expression, think outside the box. What are these boxes this expression speaks of? These so-called boxes or restrictions are imaginary boundaries created out of a need for control. Parameters created by human beings to help make sense of things. Created by people who cannot see the world of possibilities.

As a child, you were probably given a coloring book and taught to color the sky blue, the trees green and stay inside the lines. In fact, the people raising you likely sat with you showing you how it was done, painstakingly making sure the green of the tree did not stray into the blue of the sky and making nice sharp edges to show you the right way to color.

It is odd when you think of it. When you were two, you scribbled all over the page, inside the lines, outside the lines and your parents proudly hung it on the refrigerator for everyone who came to visit to see and gushed about your talent.

But if you were eight and couldn’t stay inside the lines, you may be labelled as developmentally challenged and the front of the refrigerator only displayed the family calendar and some photographs.

Crazy Ideas

The greatest thinkers and greatest inventors are all people who not only didn’t stay inside the lines but didn’t see lines. They didn’t need to think outside the box, they didn’t see boxes.

When Bill Gates announced that he envisioned everyone would have a personal computer, everyone thought he was crazy. Excluding my phone – which is a more powerful computer than my first five or six computers, I now have three in my home.

Galileo was prosecuted for believing the earth revolved around the sun.

People thought the automobile would never catch on.

The notion of speaking directly to someone on the other side of the country and then hearing their voice – preposterous. Enter the telephone and we all know how far that has advanced.

What about a device that could take a picture of your bones or an image of your brain.

No lines, no boxes.  

If you want to live to your potential, to not feel restless and like something is missing, tell yourself this: “There are no boxes.” Boxes are made up to control people and by people who can’t think without limits. And understand with all your heart that you can break down those barriers and escape other people’s boxes if you want to badly enough.

Where to Start?

Just how do you rise to your full potential? The first two steps are clarity and focus.

Confucius said: “We all have two lives. The second begins when we realize we only have one.”

Often a major life event like a job loss, a divorce or serious illness makes us aware of the profound meaning of this saying. All too often, it is when we are forced to change because of a crisis, we can see what the future could look like for us. 

The truth is that we always had the ability, it just took the crisis to bring the clarity and focus.

When will you decide to start living your second life? Don’t wait for a crisis – it can start with a simple choice.

Don’t be too concerned if you don’t have a clear idea of what your purpose is at this time. If you feel like you aren’t living up to your potential or have lost sight of your purpose, goals, or dreams, that is OK and quite normal.

In this world of extreme competition for our intellectual bandwidth, and headspace, it can be difficult to answer the question; “What is it I live for?”

That is why it is so important to get out of your head and into your heartspace and in that quiet place, ask yourself three simple questions.  First, am I feeling happy and fulfilled in all areas of my life? Second, do I know what it is that would help me feel more complete? And third, what am I passionate about?

It is OK not to know the answers. By finding a quiet place to sit and ask yourself those questions, you are already way ahead of most people and on your eighteen-inch journey.  You may not have clarity yet, but it will come.

If this is a really big struggle for you, think back to when you were much younger and try to recall what set your heart on fire, what you dreamed your life would look like when you were 16 or 18 or in your 20s. Connecting to the things you gave up on when life started throwing those curve balls may help you connect to your passion now.

The second step is focus. Focus is essential if you are going to live the life you dream of living. If you cannot see that life now, your focus should be on the three questions I just suggested you ask yourself. You still need clarity. Ask them daily, or several times per day and in a quiet time when you can avoid interruptions and distractions.  Slowly, they will come into view.

Once you are able to see them, imagine them coming true as a result of the commitment and focus you are going to develop to turn them from dream to reality.

Like Orville and Wilbur Wright did, like Abe Lincoln did and like Walt Disney did.

If you struggle to stay focused and taking steps toward your dream, go back to the clarity step. You are not clear on your dream or your goals.

If you are clear on your heart’s desire, you will be able to stay focused.

I will be discussing this in more detail in future weeks.