The Universal Human Wound

Many people don’t realize that we have a relationship with ourselves. We do, and that relationship is very important.

Your relationship with yourself is directly related to the relationships you have with other people. Not only that, but it is also directly related to your happiness and success.

Basic Personal Assumptions

Tied into or underpinning our relationship with ourselves and others are something I call Basic Personal Assumptions. These are not to be confused with core values. The word value implies, well, a value such as honesty, integrity, or compassion.

A Basic Personal Assumption is something we believe about ourselves at a very deep level. They may be values but not necessarily and in fact, may be quite the opposite.

A Basic Personal Assumption or BPA is a deep-seated assumption or belief you have about yourself. Basic Personal Assumptions drive our behaviours and dictate how well we do in relationships, school, and careers.  Basically, they dictate how well we do at life.

Our Basic Personal Assumptions are like the operating systems in our computers.  Operating systems like Microsoft Windows, run in the background.  We really don’t get involved with them.  Operating systems are programs that are initially loaded onto a computer before other software is installed. Operating systems are like traffic cops, giving instructions, telling computer traffic when to stop and go and keeping the roads running smoothly.

Most of us don’t really know what the operating systems in our computers do, how they work, or why they are needed.  It is a program that tells the computer what to do when certain electronic instructions are given.  Our Basic Personal Assumptions operate the same, giving us instructions as to how we should act or react when facing our day to day lives.

What we do interact with on our computers are the programs like word processing, spread sheets, email and other applications.  Applications are a good comparison to the tapes, messages, or internal dialogue we hear in our heads every day. The discussions we have with ourselves. I’m going to talk about them in a moment but first BPAs.

Where Do They Come From?

These Basic Personal Assumptions can be created or deposited in you either overtly which means openly or not hidden, or covertly which means hidden or not obvious. These deposits are usually made by significant other people in your life – usually in early childhood. Like computer operating systems they are installed in the early stages.

For the purpose of this discussion, I am expanding the term of significant other from the generally accepted definition of some person with whom another is in a committed romantic relationship with to include: any individual who has a profound influence on another person, particularly on his or her self-image and socialization. It is also used in psychology and sociology to refer to parents, peers, and others. Essentially it can mean anyone who might have a real or perceived power over you. 

Some of these messages or BPAs, can also be deposited after age eighteen depending on circumstances and the people you spend time with and what information you consume.

I want you to imagine a newborn child.  Each of us come into the world as a pure, blank canvass. Ready to absorb brushstrokes at the hands of those we rely on for basic care and nurturance.  Along the way, most of us begin to develop certain beliefs (assumptions) about who we are, based on what we absorb.  For instance, we may hear things like: “Why can’t you be like your brother (or sister).” Which make us feel inferior to them or worth less than them.  Or we may hear: “What is wrong with you?” Which, when heard from a significant other, leaves us believing that there must be something wrong with us – or that we are fundamentally flawed. 

Some BPAs can create positive messages or tapes and if you are blessed with an abundance of those, your life is likely going very well. You are firing on all cylinders and achieving your goals.  But if we have been raised in a dysfunctional family, often basic personal assumptions are negative and destructive. 

Author Mary Karr wrote: “A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” In my experience, that is not far from the truth.  Most families have some measure of dysfunction.

Again, these BPAs are like the operating system in our computer.  Working away in the background, even when we are unaware, and they drive not only our beliefs about who we are, but also our choices and behaviors.  For example: If you do not feel you are good enough, worthy, or if you think that there is something wrong with you, it may be that you find yourself in relationships with people who abuse you, or where you feel insignificant, and unappreciated.  Or you may avoid relationships altogether because you don’t feel anyone could love you.

Overt messages can include being told: “You are stupid”, “You will never amount to anything.” “What is wrong with you?” or being told you are funny looking by kids at school, just as examples. 

Covert messages might develop as a result of something like a parent leaving the family, which can result in feelings of “not being loved” or by listening to parents praise one of your siblings but never doing the same to you.  Or maybe your parents never showed up for your sports events, concerts or graduation. These examples can result in feelings of not being good enough, not measuring up or not being important.  These are just a few of the examples I have heard.

It is important to recognize these BPAs and the tapes they create, and to understand that they are not true.  Once we recognize them, we can create new, affirming messages which will over-write the old ones and give us a stronger self-image. 

I will talk about new affirming messages, in a few moments after I discuss tapes.

First, I want to explain an important difference between the operating systems on our computers and our basic personal assumptions.  When Microsoft or Apple finds a problems with the operating system, it corrects the program and will send you an automatic update to fix it.

Unfortunately, most of our faulty BPAs are put there by our families and when we spend time with them, these messages, or this programming, gets reinforced unless there has been some serious family therapy to correct them.  The same can happen when you hang around with people who reinforce your negative programming by making you feel bad about yourself, bring you down, don’t support your dreams and goals, or who are always negative.

Now, the tapes that play in your head, or the running dialogue you have with yourself are like the application software in your computer – like word processing, spreadsheets, and email.  What I mean by this is that you are aware of them because you interact with them every day.  They can come in the form of negative self-talk and limiting self-beliefs.

Essentially, they are a level up from the operating system. Remember, the operating system, – your basic personal assumptions work in the background, undetected.

Your application software – your tapes – tell you things like “my opinions don’t matter”, “I will never find a partner.” “There is no use in trying” or “I will never be happy, successful, or get in shape.”  Most people recognize what I am talking about when we talk about the negative self-talk. It is too often part of the running dialogue in our head which we all have.

For most people it is far more difficult to identify Basic Personal Assumptions than it is their internal dialogue or tapes. This is because they are quietly running in the background controlling thoughts and behaviours and giving instructions just like a computer operating system.

If you want to live your best life, it is important to work on identifying your Basic Personal Assumptions, and just like with faulty operating systems, write some new code so these messages aren’t causing glitches.

When your personal operating system- your Basic Personal Assumptions are faulty, they will cause your internal dialogue to create problems for you. It is also important to understand that one BPA can create numerous tapes or narratives in your internal dialogue.

Let me give you a few examples. These are all examples I have heard from clients or in my own head as part of my own combination of Basic Personal Assumptions or internal dialogue.

The Basic Personal Assumption: “I am stupid” creates tapes like: “There is no point in applying to go to college”, “I’m not smart enough to get that job” or “I better not say anything because I will get laughed at”.

This specific BPA was revealed to me by a client. When he was growing up, and would make a mistake, his father would say: “What are you, stupid?”

My client’s belief was after hearing that comment over and over, was that he was stupid. He dropped out of high school and years later decided to go back, completed his high school, then college, earning an accounting designation. The last time we talked, he had decided to retrain, was in university studying psychology and thinking of taking his Ph.D. I guess he wasn’t stupid after all.

Another client had the Basic Personal Assumption he was ugly. This was based on a comment some mean girls in grade three made to him. As a result of the BPA, “I’m ugly”, being part of his operating system, he was afraid to ask girls out in school, and thought he would never get married. His tapes were: “If I ask a girl out, she will just reject me”, “Nobody would ever say yes if I asked them to marry me.” and “People laugh at me and make fun of my looks.”

One day on a dare, he asked the prettiest girl in high school on a date. It turned out all the boys who dared him, had asked her out and she had said no. He asked her and she said yes. I guess he wasn’t so ugly after all. Today he is happily married. No, not to her, that would have been a perfect ending. But to another beautiful woman who said yes.

One of the most frequent Basic Personal Assumptions I hear is “I’m not enough.” This one can come in many forms such as: “I don’t measure up.” “There is something wrong with me.” or “I am worthless.”, to name a few common ones.

I believe this BPA is the most common human wound. In fact, it may be universal.  

It can be found in people debilitated from the belief as well as people who are accomplished, wealthy, and constantly striving for more because they believe they are never enough.

The tapes, the narrative or the internal dialogue this universal wound creates are almost without end. They include: “What is the point of trying”, “I will never get ahead”, “I am a bad, parent, partner, or person”, “This is a good as it gets”, “I’m stuck and will never get out”, and “It is all my fault”, to name a few.

How Do We Change Them?

I have talked about Basic Personal Assumptions, the tapes, internal dialogue, or narratives they create, and where they come from, but how do we change them?

It is important to first think of the origins and work from there. Our brains are like the hard drive in a computer before the operating system gets installed. Blank, waiting for information.

If the operating system that is installed has programming errors, all kinds of problems can occur that keep the computer from running at optimum performance levels. But there was nothing wrong with that hard drive, that brain before information started loading.

When there is faulty code in our computers, either updates happen automatically or we upload updates to fix the faulty messaging.

In a similar manner, we need to upload personal updates.  We need to reprogram our inner dialogue with new messages.

Unfortunately, unlike our computer updates which can fix a glitch in one shot, we do not have the same luxury but it can be done. It does take time and commitment. Because the negative messages have been put there by people who had or have the power to influence our lives, there is typically a subconscious belief that they are true. The messages have likely be reinforced by the people who put them there and then reinforced by our own negative inner dialogue.

The way to do this reprogramming is by writing a new narrative for each basic personal assumption or tape that contradicts the old one and when the old messages appear, replace that messaging with new affirming messaging.

Before I get into the research and proof about why positive affirmations work, please understand that they are not pop psychology.

Doing positive affirmations gets a bad rap and often conjures up images of people chanting trite, ritualistic platitudes, attempting to get themselves or others fired up and motivated. Saying things like “I am, and I can” or “I’m amazing” over and over again will not get you from where you are to where you want to be if your core beliefs, or Basic Personal Assumptions (BPAs), run contrary to that.

Why? Because you have been carrying your BPAs for years or even decades and they are wired into your neural pathways, which are information circuits in your brain, through repetition by other people or events. Then they are reinforced through your own internal dialogue as you talk to yourself—which you do every day. And it takes 18–24 months to rewire those circuits. Most of us don’t have the energy and determination to say “I’m amazing” every day or multiple times per day for two years. And even if you do, if your core belief and internal critic is saying “No you aren’t,” something this simplistic won’t work.

If you have ever gone to see a motivational speaker or an inspirational movie, read a book about someone who has risen to greatness from the depths of poverty or despair, or heard a sermon that had you fired up and convinced that you are going to become the best version of yourself and then slid comfortably and dangerously back into your old thinking or behaviours, you know what I mean.

One dose of inspiration and motivation doesn’t overwrite years or decades of being hard on yourself, beating yourself up, and believing the self-limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, and lies you are letting your inner critic tell you. Your critic will work overtime for free and hold you back from reaching your goals and dreams.

And yes, I said that you are “letting” your inner critic tell you. Because you have the power to change that. And if you do, you can change your circumstances, become happier, more content, less stressed, and less anxious.

The combination of positive affirmations, taking positive steps toward desired outcomes, and a commitment to yourself to work on it a little each day will help you silence your inner critic. You can replace that voice with one that lifts your heart and soul and pushes you toward living a fulfilling and meaningful life. And the good news is that you don’t need to wait for 2 years to see the results. If you commit to the practice, you will begin to notice a difference in just a few months.

Is there science behind positive affirmations? Yes. Magic? No. If negative beliefs are put there by repetition, it makes sense that they can be removed the same way. It does take some time and effort on your part and a true desire to remove the negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs. It requires a commitment to regular practice to affect long-term change.

Many studies have been done that support the psychological and physical benefits of positive affirmations. Older studies from 1988 through 2002 illustrate that the value of positive affirmations has been scientifically supported for over 30 years.

More recent studies have been done from 2007 through 2016 which support the effects of affirmations, including two that cite brain MRI evidence showing changes in brain activity when people engage in self-affirming tasks and positive self-valuation.

Here are some of the positive effects research shows occur because of practicing affirmations.

1. Reduced health-deteriorating stress.
2. Increased physical activity levels.
3. Increased academic achievement.
4. Increased feelings of hopefulness.
5. Increased problem-solving abilities.
6. Improved self-esteem.
7. Reduced depression and anxiety.
8. Reduced rumination.

Most of us could benefit from one or more of these, and affirmations are a form of help that is available to everyone. Make it part of your daily practice.  It is time to stop being your harshest critic.

Imagine a friend in need coming to you looking for some help. This friend has been struggling, down on themselves, in the doldrums and a bit depressed about their life, their job, their kids, or their relationship.

You wouldn’t unleash the negative self-talk your inner voice says to you on your friend. You would never say things like, “You’re a loser, you’ll never make it, you’re stupid, you don’t deserve any better, you’re fat, you’re ugly, nobody likes you.” You get the idea.

And if you went to a friend looking for help and they said things like that to you, they probably wouldn’t be a friend anymore.

When a friend in need asks for help, we tell them everything we know that is good about them. We emphasize their positive character traits, why we like them, how much we care about them, how we value their friendship, how much we believe in them and assure them we are there any time they need to talk.

Yet, our own self-talk is often a very different story. We say mean or negative things to ourselves—sometimes every day. Our inner critic gets louder when things are challenging—and when we are the friend in need, we are most apt to say things like, “What did you expect, you’ll never get ahead, what’s the use in trying, just give up, go back, and accept it isn’t going to get any better.”

It comes easy to us to be able to say nice things to our friends, to build them up, support them, and help them. But we seldom are as nice and complimentary to ourselves. And even if we try, it can ring hollow because of how we perceive ourselves.

All of that can be changed—with work, and the work is well worth the effort.

So, remind yourself to talk to yourself like someone you are trying to help. And when you catch yourself falling short because you are listening to your inner critic, it is time to work on your self-talk and self-limiting beliefs. Remember, you weren’t born with them. They were deposited in you, robbing you of the opportunity to live to your greatest potential.

They were put there by repetition and they can be removed by repetition.  You can find more on this topic in my e-book, Talk To Yourself Like Someone You Are Trying To Help, which is available on eighteeninches.ca. It is full of motivational stories of people who have risen above their circumstances and a positive affirmation for everyday of the year.

I am reminded of this quote by the Roman Senator Atticus:

“We drink the poison our mind pours for us and wonder why we feel so sick.”

Stop pouring poison and start pouring something that nourishes your mind, body, and soul.