The Slap and compassion

It has been over a week since the slap that was seen around the world. First, let me say that I do not condone violence.

Untold stories of pain and trauma are never untold. They are witnessed through our behaviours and attitudes.

As a therapist who deals with trauma and abuse, I felt it important to share my observations now I have had time to read way too many of the articles, memes, and seen far too many newscasts about the event.

We were hosting a small Oscars get together and our group witnessed it live. Once we had sorted out our initial shock and confusion realizing that it wasn’t staged, we closed our mouths that were hanging open in disbelief of what we had just witnessed.

Thoughts and opinions flew around the room, and some took to the internet to see how the world was responding. And it was responding – only seconds after the event, with theories, speculation, judgment, and inappropriate humor. All of it without taking the time to consider what had just happened or if their posts had any merit, could do more harm than good or might be something they were deleting after taking the time to actually process what they had just witnessed.

The mood changed dramatically in our house and if you watched it live, it changed dramatically at the Oscars and in your house too.

That is what happens when people witness violence. They are traumatized. Some go inward trying to make sense of what they just saw, others say whatever comes to their mind processing the event verbally, on Will’s side one moment, Chris’ the next and then supporting Jada. Sometimes changing their mind when new information comes to light or when a new thought comes to mind.

When violence is witnessed – especially somewhere or sometime that is never expected, it is like a fire alarm goes off in our head. It is a trauma response. Imagine your house being on fire. Trauma – your body starts to respond, you heart races, your brain goes into hyper drive, and you are trying to think of what you should be doing.  Call 911, grab the kids, the pets, laptops, phones, photos, clothes. You are in a state of panic, adrenalin racing through your system, yet you are confused and can’t decide what are the most important things to take with you.

Similarly, when we witnessed the slap, we didn’t know how to respond. You may have had a great deal of respect for Will, Jada or Chris.  You may have taken a side quickly and then changed it just as quickly. You may love them all and just like with example of your house being on fire, you were confused and trying to figure out which one to take with you.

Now that I have had time to process my own feelings instead of avoiding them by reading everyone else’s opinions. I know what happened for me, and I suspect, for many people. After my initial confusion, I was angry. Angry because I do not like violence and because the beauty and pageantry of the evening had been shattered as had the mood in our home. The anger gave way to fear. Fear that someone I respected wasn’t who I thought he was, that he might be escorted from the room and stripped of his award. These feelings gave way to sadness.

The sadness I feel is centered in compassion. Compassion for Will, Jada and the family. Here is a man at the pinnacle of his life, who has likely done his career irreparable harm and who will be remembered more for this one thing than his entire body of work. You don’t need to be a Will Smith fan to agree with that, nor do you need to be a fan to find it in your heart to feel some compassion.

There is not one among us, who hasn’t fallen short of the mark, failed to live up to family or friends’ expectations or to the expectations and values we claim to live by.

If I try to put myself in Will and the family’s shoes since the event, I cannot begin to imagine what is going on in their hearts as they try to process the significance of this few seconds in their lives.

Yes, this is a family of celebrity. And some will argue that when you live public lives which you profit handsomely from, and you push yourselves into that spotlight, you should understand the risks of the glare of the spotlight. And you should know too, that what the public showers on you with rave reviews, awards and their entertainment budget, seeing your movies and buying your book, they can take away in the blink of an eye.

We revere the stories of celebrities rising above their circumstances. Overcoming poverty, abuse, lack of education, violence. Yet when they make a mistake, like we all do, we are quick to judge, wag a finger and turn our backs, forgetting the grace that was afforded us in our last screw up.

There is no doubt that what Will Smith did is unacceptable, and nobody knows that better than Will himself. But it is not my place, nor your place to judge him, unless of course you have never made a mistake or fallen short of what ever mark you and/or society has set for you.

As a therapist, I believe Will Smith’s actions were a response to something far deeper inside of him than you and I can begin to understand. We did not grow up in his family, live in his present family situation or understand what pressure he is under.

Celebrities who have already forgotten the last time the court of public opinion judged them for their own actions have piled on with their criticisms and opinions. Brands who have made millions of dollars from his celebrity are deserting Will in his dark hour.

I have had many dark hours, many bottoms, so to speak. I am here today, helping other people because of the grace of God and the support of people who loved me when I could not find one ounce of energy to love myself.

Today, I am looking to my compassion, my humanity, as I reflect on the life of a troubled teen who rose up and who gave us another story of the power of the indominable human spirit. Someone who has given us over three decades of joy and laughter, inspiration, and tears.

I am not judging Will Smith nor making jokes at his expense. I am deeply sad because seeing this play out in the media when people think they know him because they have a snippet of information or have followed his career is a disservice to him and his family as human beings.

The Academy will sanction him, and brands will desert him in whatever way serves their interests and bank accounts. But there is an alternative. Support him in getting the help he needs and if he chooses to risk the spotlight again, make that the next story of someone rising above their circumstances.

Here is the bottom line. If you have never fallen short of the mark, done something really stupid, hurtful or cringe worthy, then continue to throw stones from your glass house. But remember there will come a day when you need grace and compassion. As you sow, shall you reap.

If you, or someone you know, has suffered trauma, and needs help processing it, reach out to a qualified therapist.